Michael Bay Humbly Honors Paramount, KGB at Transformers Premiere

If public mayhem and general confusion in the streets of Westwood Village amounts to an "event," then TMZ-outed disgruntled director Michael Bay should have been extremely pleased with the efforts mounted by Paramount to "eventize" last night's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen premiere, which also served as an LAFF Special Screening. Movieline was there.

After the terrifying red carpet gantlet was maneuvered (never before have fans, celebrities, studio execs, and streaking UCLA frosh intermingled quite so cozily), we settled into our seats in time for pre-show remarks. First was Paramount Pictures CEO Brad Grey, who commanded the Paramount-branded oil drum that served as the podium with fitting authority. He kept things short and sweet before ceding the mic to Bay, who was flush with the glow of a proud father about to unveil his 11-hour, cacophonic opus upon an eager and energized audience.

His remarks:

I just got back from a world tour, and I was just amazed how many fans this film franchise has taken on. It really, really is a global franchise. So much so that I was just in Moscow, and I was summoned by the head of the KGB. This is a true story.

And he said that when he wasn't waterboarding, he was a major Transformers fan. And he gave me this watch, and I was a little suspicious. Being a KGB watch I thought it was bugged. But apparently we found out that it was actually hacked into my AOL account, and it uploaded it to TMZ. Paramount you know what I'm talking about...uh, inside joke for Paramount. But Paramount, you guys been my family for three years and I want to thank you for everything you've done. You've been spectacular, and hopefully for many years to come.

Like Revenge of the Fallen itself, his speech managed to thrill and delight by combining all the right elements: technical wizardry, an ability to laugh at one's own foibles, and forehead-slapping reductive stereotyping.

Bay's got the touch! Bay's got the power!