With Allison Iraheta gone, last night's dudes-only Idol had lost much of its Manic Panic energy; it felt less like a battle for galactic karaoke supremacy, and more like a trio of college-aged furniture movers arriving at your door to pick up a bookshelf. ("Yeah, that's the one. Careful, now -- it's heavier than it looks! You guys thirsty? Because I have some lemonade in the fridge. No? OK. Oh! Watch the sconce!") What were we talking about again? Oh right, Idol. In any case, this was a do-or-die moment for all still standing. It's assumed Adam Lambert will breeze through to the finals on the peppermint wings of Kokring the Flying Unicorn.
Ironically enough, Kokring has a range as low as Lambert's is high. He actually sounds a lot like Tay Zonday, and provides backing harmonies that only serve to enhance his glam master's angelic caterwauling. But don't get cocky, Adam and Kokring! There's still Kris Allen nipping at your platform heels and bedazzled hooves. Kris is as cute as Barack Obama is wise, and he tackled a stripped-down take on Kanye West's "Heartless" that guaranteed him a place wiggling upstream alongside any and all multi-platinum-selling gay fishes. So who does that leave? St. Gokey. Count Gokula. Godzilla's annoying nephew, Godzokey. Why do we picture a tiny version of this dude in a cheap angel Halloween costume fluttering inside Simon Cowell's left ear, promising the judge if he tells America Godzokey's terrible singing sounds like "a master class," he'll go to manboob heaven? And then Lambert's fluttering in Simon's other ear, in a cheap devil costume, yelling about how stingy the bartender was with the pour in his Jack and Coke. Does it really matter who wins this anymore? Did it ever? It did and it does? OK.
Here's a video of the judges being annoying: