· Kiefer Sutherland will be charged with misdemeanor assault for headbutting designer Jack McCollough. This could have serious consequences, as it might constitute a parole violation. (He's supposed to be "obeying all laws," like the one that goes, "Thou Shalt Not Headbutt the Toast of Fashion Week.") This whole, unfortunate incident is really putting me in an awkward position. Because on one hand, Kiefer is a beloved Eastside drunk, and he once wandered up to my table at a dive bar and said, "GHRRRAahhhhdop lasdfjassbrrrr." And I'll always cherish that. But on the other hand, I never leave the house without my Proenza Schouler high-waisted tapering pants. Why, God? Why make me choose sides?
· Vulture asks, Is Star Trek the Next Watchmen? Answer: No.
LA Times asks, "Can 'Star Trek' crew land a hit?" Answer: Yes.
Newsweek asks, "Has Star Trek Lost Its Moral Relevance?" Answer: Yes. No. I don't know! I liked the first question better.
· Not to be outdone by Audrey Tautou's new Chanel ad, Nicole Kidman stars in a seductive, Hindi-inflected Schweppes commercial that features a delightful young face who should command at least 250 grand on BuyIndianChildStars.com.
· Richard Dreyfuss, Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell, and Gossip Girl's Jessica Szohr will star in a 3-D remake of Piranha, directed by Alexandre Aja (The Hills Have Eyes). Dreyfuss, people. He'll get the best line, which, in a perfect universe, would go as follows: "Well, this is not a boat accident! And it wasn't any propeller; and it wasn't any coral reef; and it wasn't Jack the Ripper! And it wasn't a gigantic shark! It was a bunch of little fish with razor-sharp teeth who kill in schools! Enough is enough! I want these monkey-fighting piranhas off my Monday-to-Friday glass-bottom boat!!!"
· US Weekly owns the story of Jon & Kate Plus 8 dad Jon Gosselin secretly fathering 487 kids with various stay-at-home moms and babysitters in his neighborhood. Jesus, man -- I know you're a God-fearing philanderist, but would it kill you to wrap your propagation bat once in a while?