· After word broke that he had tried to sell his famous daughter, Slumdog pere Rafiq Qureshi was arrested, interrogated by Indian authorities (hmm, what does that remind us of?), and is now in hiding. In a statement, Qureshi said, "How much could I get on eBay for this water bottle touched by Freida Pinto?"
· Our new, benevolent British overlord Shaheen consented to an interview with grateful U.S. publication Entertainment Weekly. Asked what he thought his chances were against Susan Boyle, the child briefly cursed in an ancient language, then stated, "That Vigothan hell beast is the one I swore to destroy to gain entry to your puny dimension!" Also, he thinks she'll probably win.
· Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the lone holdout from the cast of Home Improvement at the TV Land Awards. Even the deceased Earl Hindman put in some cloud-obscured face time, we hear.
· Middling ratings for Sit Down, Shut Up led to middling headline puns.
· If he'd wanted it, Matt Damon could have donned William Shatner's old yellow sweater for the upcoming Star Trek reboot. Its scent? Pungent machismo, a whiff of Eau Savage Dior, and the aftertaste of stale scenery.